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I so want to be with my Twin Flame Twinklebear
I have a confession to make. Many times when I write, I do so in order to not go crazy. This is one of those times. This accounts for my writing coming so painfully close to the surface of full disclosure, when it comes to chronicling my Twin Flame journey with Twinklebear. But it will never be total disclosure in these memoirs, so as to protect our privacy.
The issues between us that are the most painful, occasionally break the surface like a great white shark, sticking its predatory nose where it is not wanted. This then causes a conflict between acute emotions of want and the need to be together, with the inability to do so right now. Then the question becomes an unambiguously pointed, “Then when?” We had such a pointed moment this morning. I am loathe to discuss this in public, but it is said that confession is good for the soul.
Open confession is good for the soul. Nothing brings more ease and more life to a man than frank acknowledgement…
You already know from previous installments that Twinklebear lives in England while I live in New York, so that would not be a new acknowledgement. I will tell you though, that we have been trying to physically reunite for the past three and half years. To see each other, feel each other, would be heaven. We had two such chances last year, when this might have been possible. But The Fates would not cooperate for a 2018 reunification.
The first of two chances we had was in April 2018, but that chance was stunted by circumstances that involved an obstinate employer. This was compounded by a travel friend of Twinklebear’s who could not come to America with Twinklebear at that particular time of year. So when this trip was canceled, we made tentative plans for Twinklebear to travel to New York last November.
Unfortunately, Fate has a cruel sense of timing and humor, because in August 2018, I had to have a hip replacement surgery done. The rehab involved meant months of work when I could not walk normally. It was uncertain to me, when I would be able to walk and therefore get around well enough to see my beloved Twinklebear if she was here in New York.
Human frailty and unforeseen mitigating circumstances have played a role in causing us the pain resulting from our not having been able to physically reunite. I won’t lie to you–it does hurt, very much, not to be with her.
I will not deny that my rehab introduced psychological factors of self-doubt and a diminishing of self-confidence in terms of mobility, and I believe that is normal. That in itself, discouraged me from talking about concrete plans to reschedule Twinklebear’s visit to New York. Someone who loses his normal mobility loses some of his sense of “self” and that sense has to be rehabilitated along with one’s physical conditioning. Rehabilitation from hip replacement is both physical and mental.
My silence about her potential trip to New York had nothing to do with a diminution of my desire to see her here. It only had to do with “feeling like myself again,” which took a hit from my surgery. But when emotions of need are running high on both sides, things can become misconstrued.
I have said previously that these memoirs are therapeutic, not only for me but for Twinklbear as well. They also can serve another purpose, as this memoir does. My writing about my thoughts and feelings can dispel any misconceptions my Twin might have. For example, my reluctance to openly discuss when to reschedule her visit to New York, I believe she misconstrued to mean that “I didn’t want her to come.” Nothing could be further from the truth.
I remain optimistic. Even though my rehab has been delayed by some setbacks, it continues forward. But my mobility is only one factor in allowing us to fulfill our physical reunification. I am optimistic, because of the surety of the love that Twinklebear and I have, and that love is forever. In the meantime, my writing is my way of dealing with my pain and frustration.
I write therefore I am sane.
I love you, Twinklebear
Forever and a day
Twin Flames, podmates always
Bear Pact Forever!
12 12 12 in every way