HARD TO DESCRIBE: The emotion of “missing ache” is a form of heartache.



Anyone who’s gone through the emotional pain of heartache more often than not, can express the experience as some form of physical pain. ‘Pain is the way the mind responds to trouble inside the body.’ says Alex Zautra, a professor of psychology at Arizona State University.

‘Emotion is the same way, whether you feel love or sadness is also something you feel outside the body. With pain it is a closer-in response, to something inside the body….’

The depression caused by heartache, creates a barrier which prevents us from feeling and experiencing life to the fullest…Symptoms vary from withdrawal from society…to physical sickness and pain.

It’s not far fetched to say that you feel completely empty inside. There is an ache, a deep ache that erupts from the inside of our bodies….The pain is real and there’s no other way to describe how bad it really hurts than to name it heartache.


I have “missing ache” right now.

“Missing ache” is a specific form of “heartache,” that I feel now because my beloved Twin Flame love, “Twinklebear” Lesley Maclean, is away for a few days on vacation with an old friend of hers since their teenage years, Dawn Payne.

If you had told me a few years ago, that I could feel the depth and intensity of missing someone, as much as I do Twinklebear—I would have told you that you were high on acid.

But—that was before I entered the wild and wacky world of Twin Flames.

However, the mild form of heartache I’m feeling now—the “missing ache”—is insignificant compared to the really intense heartache I felt, associated with rough patches during the early part of our Twin Flame journey. Twinklebear and I refer to these acute attacks of heartache, as “storms” that we had to withstand, and learn from.

The missing ache I am feeling now, is an insecurity, borne of separation anxiety because Twinklebear is away on holiday.

The more acute heartaches I felt, occurred about two years ago.

MARCH 31, 2016:

It was late evening. That was the last time I resolved to leave Twinklebear. I wanted to end the pain. The pain of the lowest lows, that resulted from being put into the position of an alpha male, who had to prove himself worthy, when other male admirers of Twinklebear were jockeying for position.

Those lowest of lows, were offset by the intense mutual attraction, love and need that Twinklebear and I experienced.

Goddammit, I loved and needed her so much! The high intensity of these emotions, were white hot and burning unabated in my mind and soul.

This particular night over two years ago, the lowest of lows was winning.

Our love was a seesaw of gut-wrenching quality, a roller coaster of epic proportions. Neither of us truly understood what was happening, or why we each behaved the way we did. We knew only one thing: Our attraction to each other was inevitable, but it was driving us crazy!

The sheer intensity of our white hot blinding love, in stark contrast with the lowest lows that we suffered as Twin Flames, confused us. Neither of us experienced anything like it.

My world was turned upside down and inside out by the intense need and love for Twinklebear! The sheer size of my love for her, the huge inevitability of my need for her, shocked me. My equilibrium in the world was upset, my standing in the world was off-balance.

And this was the stormiest, most insanity-inducing period of our Twin Flame journey. Twinklebear was testing me as only a beautiful woman can, by pointing to other male admirers she had at that time—making my task as a path to making her mine—crystal clear.

I was compelled to banish these other admirer-posers from her doorstep, causing me much consternation. I felt that I had to be vigilant 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, to make sure that I didn’t lose any gains I made in my quest, to make Twinklebear mine.

My quest to make Twinklebear mine, had the flavor of a “Mongolian conquest campaign!”

Later on in our history in this lifetime (we are reincarnated Twin Flames, spouses in a past life—which we believe to have been in 13th Century Mongolia), we learned why it felt like that to me.

I WAS READY: My mastery of the martial arts prepared me for the “battle” to make Twinklebear “mine.”

From Twinklebear’s point of view, she entered an arena, in which she subconsciously intuited, that she was the prize. And like it or not, she unwittingly played a role that was cast according to genetic scripting as old as time, as she “tested” my manhood by subconsciously “pitting me” against other males.

Her behavior was as instinctually dictated by “ancient female instinct memory,” as my role was instinctually scripted as an alpha male was, by “ancient male instinct memory.”

These instincts have been hardwired into our genes since the dawn of man, originally meant to produce the strongest pairing of alpha females and alpha males.

I truly wondered if I was insane, for feeling this way, for wanting her so much.

On that very night of March 31, 2016, I informed Twinklebear, that it was over. I initially felt good about this foolish decision. I felt at peace, going to bed.

APRIL 1, 2016:

The next morning,I woke up, and the false and superficial serenity I felt the night before, disappeared, vaporized as quickly as a puff of steam. My delusions of the night before, evaporated in the revelatory light of day. In the unblinking morning light, I saw the obvious truth. I thought….

“My God, I’ll never talk with her again? No! That cannot be! I can’t let that happen!”

Then the pain started. It began with a feeling of gut-wrenching emptiness in the pit of my stomach. It hurt so much, but not exactly like a physical injury that makes one say “Ouch!”

Rather, it was an extreme “emotional anguish” that manifested itself inside my torso. I would like to describe it as a severe depression beginning in the lower stomach, but I don’t know if that makes sense. But it did make me want to double over in the most profound sadness—as if there was no joy or hope in living.

I felt like the bottom of my stomach fell out. The ache extended up into my chest cavity, filling it, pushing at the limits of my rib-cage, and wrapped itself around my heart. Then it seemed to reach up into my head, ached in my cranium, as an all-invasive emotion, whole and infallible.

I felt gutted! It was agonizing! It was the “emptiest feeling” in the world. It felt like a complete “lack of life.”

Just the thought of never speaking with Twinklebear again, filled me with profound sadness, the like I’ve never known before. I couldn’t take it! I thought….

“I can’t live without my Twinklebear!”

Even though I resolved to stay strong as I tried to distance myself from Twinklebear, I felt myself weakening. I was going to ask my Baby for forgiveness.

When I learned that morning, how anguished Twinklebear felt when I told her it “was over,” my heart broke all over again—and that heartache I felt in my chest cavity bubbled up, seemed to double.

Her tears reduced me to rubble.

By that time, i had weakened entirely, and gave in to the inevitability of us, being together forever. I asked forgiveness from Twinklebear, and she gave it to me. The simple truth is, we can never be without each other.

APRIL 20, 2018—1:18 PM:

Twinklebear has been on holiday (we Yanks say “vacation”) since early yesterday morning. I have been a wreck because I haven’t heard from here her since early yesterday morning!

This shows you how far Twinklebear and I have come, since March 31, 2016. We are now fully reconciled with the idea that we are predestined Twin Flames, who will be together forever and a day.

But I miss her so much even after one day!

This “missing ache” I am feeling—as opposed to the intense “heartache” I felt two years ago, is mild by comparison. But the signs of heartache are present in “missing ache.” The feeling of the bottom of my stomach falling out, the feeling of panic from this feeling that there is a void in life.

It is there, but not as acute as what I felt when I tried to leave Twinklebear two years ago. The difference is, that two years ago, there was the prospect of never seeing Twinklebear again.

That, is not a factor in “missing ache.” But—the insecurity is there, but not “crippling” as it was two years ago, when I contemplated “running” from my Twin Flame.

By the way, that night of March 31, 2016, was the third (and absolute last) time, I attempted to “run” from my sweet Twinklebear. You’d think that I would have learned my lesson sooner, from the first two times. The lesson simply is….

I cannot ever be without my Twinklebear!

Thank God Twinklebear and I have gotten over and past those early “storms” of our early period. We have learned so much, progressed so far in our Twin Flame journey, since March 31, 2016.

APRIL 20, 2018—5:00 PM:

Twinklebear just reached me from holiday (we Yanks call it “vacation”—ha!)

Her mobile phone was unable to access the hotel’s wifi, so she video-called me on Dawn Payne’s phone, which is internet-enabled.

I am whole again.

I have spoken to my Baby, my Twin Flame Twinklebear! I am happy again!


I love you, Twinklebear
Forever and a day
Twin Flames, Podmates always
Bear Pact Forever
12 12 12 in every way


3 thoughts on ““MEMOIR: MISSING ACHE”

  1. So wonderful! Thanks so much my sookybear. I too missed you. I was having lots of fun! Yet felt the sadness, missing you , pang! I love you ! My sookybear. As much as the holiday, was well earned, and needed, I too,felt the missing feeling! I’m so glad, to be home, and back to normal. Twinflames podmates bearpact 🐻 forever and a day!121212

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Awwww..my sweet Twinklebear! You are so tired, and don’t feel all that well after the holiday. I hope you feel better tomorrow. You’re welcome. I am SO glad you are home. I missed you so much. I love you Forever and day, I love you TOO much! Ha! Twin Flames, Podmates, Bear pact Forever! 12 12 12


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