Why do we revisit painful moments in our lives? It would seem counterintuitive to do so, as this would certainly cause fresh pain. Is it a form of masochism? Is some cases, yes, as it might stoke the fires of a long dormant guilt, a subconscious attempt at self-flagellation.

However, the other motive would be to feel truly alive. Sometimes it takes facing the oppressive darkness of night, to appreciate the liberating bright sunshine of day.

In this scenario, revisiting the pain is a joyous but perhaps tearful reminder of what tragically might have been, had other intervening events not taken place to thwart a bad outcome. In this latter scenario, revisiting the pain from afar in time, is a talisman against that original pain to occur again.


This morning brought such a moment for my Twin Flame love and me. My Twin Flame is “Twinklebear” Lesley Maclean, and she had a harrowing health scare last year, that worried us terribly. It wasn’t a short lived health scare either.

Although it came to a head in August, there were for months prior to that, troubling signs of a possibly serious and deadly health problem (which it turned out to be). The details of the illness, were outlined in previous memoirs. Let’s just say that the ordeal entailed a long period of low-grade, but nagging worry—culminating in a crescendo of white hot anxiety—and action

Precipitating our getting onto the subject of the health scare, was the callous disregard someone from Twinklebear’s past, recently displayed about Twinklebear’s welfare. This segued into a comparison of how the total selfishness of the person from Twinklebear’s past, compared with my total love and concern with Twinklebear’s health and life. When she spoke of this….

It brought back a flood of heart rending memories for me!

Oh my God! I can say it now! It was so hard for me, as I had to stay calm for my Baby, as we navigated this horror. Paramount in my mind, right after the priority of Twinklebear getting the correct diagnosis and treatment, was my secondary concern of “having Twinklebear’s rope”— our personalized code for us supporting each other in every way.

To say that our conversation this morning, transported me right back to August of 2017, would be an understatement. I felt tears trying to grace
the surface of my eyes, as I harkened back to my deepest fear about Twinklebear….

A future world without my beloved Twinklebear!

“No, no, please God…,” I would say in the solitude of my bathroom, hands clasped in prayer, eyes closed, “Please Lord, please let my Twinklebear be alright! Please, God…”

MY TWINKLBEAR: Back, healthy and happy–and loved.

He answered my prayers. I’ve been an agnostic all my life, in spite of a religious experience at the age of 13—I was ever so grateful for my Baby being saved. I am convinced that God helped me. It was part of His plan and design.

Just as it was His plan and design, that Twinklebear and I would be here for each other as Twin Flames, in this lifetime.

Twinklebear and I have come so very far, since her September 2017 life-saving surgery. Lord, it seems like a lifetime since then. And, she is doing so very well!

Now, six months after Twinklebear’s surgery—although it feels more like six years—I have my Twinklebear back from the brink, alive, well–and well-loved.

Revisiting those painful moments of a half a year ago, was awful, and wonderful. Wonderful because we realize by stark contrast, what we have.

We’ve had our low-grade anguish, followed by a fevered high-pitched anguish—followed by this relieved anguish of today. I love you, my Baby!

After talking about our ordeal and the emotions surrounding it, we feel truly alive!

I Love you, Twinklebear
Forever and a day
Twin Flames, Podmates always
Bear Pact Forever!
12 12 12 in every way


2 thoughts on ““MEMOIR: QUIET ANGUISH”

  1. As I sit here sipping my tea, it makes me appreciate the small minor things in life! Like the bird’s, singing , outside my window, the sun, popping up against a blue sky. As for a moment, I did not think I’d get to see another , or hear birds in the spring, ever again! Having lost a friend, recently, who was diagnosed on the same day as me, it makes me realise how lucky I actually am. Not just to be alive ! But to have certain people in my life.
    I am especially lucky! To have my sookybear! My soulmate, my Twinflame, my podmate, my world! My universe! Not only is he one of my earth Angel’s, sookybear, is my best friend, my confidante, my true one love , for all eternity. The unconditional love, and support he showed me through this whole ordeal is second to none! One other, and a few close friends, stepped up, and said ” I’m here for you! ” Now those people I am sure we’re in my life, for a reason. Cat my cousin, my bestie, Mel, mark, my dog’s, Barry, Jackie and Ted, Dawn, Mags,. Steve, Sarah,. Noah, also Alfie, Ian,and nurse Betty! My sister, all came to visit me, support me, and take care of me. This article is a revisit to a place where we never want to be again, but with support of my sookybear, and friend’s, and God! We hopefully did it! Thank you my sookybear, for your continued love, and support,it means the world, universe to me . I love you! Podmates, Twinflames 🐻 pact forever and a day! 1⃣2⃣🐻 I hope you now can smile, and be happy! As we are able to enjoy life once again. Even though I’m different now, a change occurred, I am still me! I’m still ALIVE! Yes !!! Thank you God!

    Liked by 1 person

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